Rainbow folks often struggle to recognize partner and sexual violence or think what is happening to them doesn’t count.  Sometimes we feel like we need to cover up for someone who has hurt us in case we hurt “the community” or because we are scared no one will believe us.

But it does count, and you deserve help and support if you need it. If what’s happening in your relationship or sexual encounter doesn’t feel alright, you can reach out, even if it’s just to talk to someone about how you’re feeling.

At the moment there is no specialist service dedicated to all people in the Rainbow community wanting help for partner or sexual violence in Aotearoa New Zealand. We recommend taking a friend or advocate when you ask for help. OutLineNZ on 0800 688 5463 can help you find Rainbow groups near you.

“Asking for help can be hard because services do not always know how to work with us, though many are trying.”

• Safe to talk offers advice about how to get help for sexual harm. They will help you find the best person or agency, whether you’re a survivor or someone worried about harming others
• Are You Ok? has information about family violence services, whether you’re a survivor or someone worried about harming others
• New Zealand Police Diversity Liaison Officers can support us if we want to talk to the police about partner or sexual violence

Rainbow folks experience partner and sexual violence in some specific ways.  Check out our survivor factsheets for intersex, trans and non-binary, bisexual, lesbian and gay survivors, or download all of them.  Check out this New Zealand Police resource which show different kinds of violence that Rainbow folks have identified.

If you are in a relationship with someone who is abusive to you, it can be helpful to make a safety plan around what to do to reduce risks of emotional or physical violence. You may well know when your partner is most likely to be violent or abusive, and how they act during these times because you know your relationship best. You can make a safety plan with a friend, a counsellor, or a helping agency.

If you write your safety plan down, hide it so your partner can’t find it. You could leave it with a friend or family member, or at work in a safe place.

If you are worried about your behaviour
No one is responsible for stopping someone else use abuse and violence. The person using violence is the only person who can stop with the right help.  If you are worried about your behaviour in your relationship it can be helpful to make a safety plan around what to do to reduce your risks of causing emotional or physical violence.

Longer term support and recovery – counseling
It can be hard to tell your story to someone, and most people don’t want to have to talk about violence again and again, so it is important to find the right person.

It is perfectly normal to ‘shop around’ for a counsellor and spend your first session asking questions to make sure they are going to understand enough about your sexuality or gender to support you appropriately.

If you feel as if you are not getting appropriate answers to your questions, it is also okay to leave.

It is okay to ask for anything you want. Some questions to consider are:

What do you know about people of my sexuality? (eg – what do you know about bi men?)
Look for: Honesty – it is better for the counsellor to say ‘gosh, I know nothing’ than to say stuff they’re making up on the spot. You want to listen for things that resonate with you. If anything they say makes you feel weird or uncomfortable or angry, then it might be better to be talking to someone else. A good counsellor will challenge you to stretch your thinking, but you are the expert on your own sexuality, not them.

What do you know about trans women? (or non-binary people for example – it is okay to ask specifically about your gender)
Look for: A client-centred approach. This means they will put *you* at the centre of the therapy. You need to know that they will not misgender you during therapy and that you will not be an *exciting* or *different* project for them. A good counsellor will be honest about how much they know and will reassure you that they are not transphobic. It is not okay for the counsellor to ask you lots of questions about what it means to be trans, but they might ask you what it means for *you.*

Have you worked with other people of my sexuality/gender?
Look for: Reassurance that they either have experience or that they will do their own homework to understand the issues you might be facing better. A counsellor should never tell you any details about anyone else they have worked with – this is not reassuring, it’s inappropriate.

If I want to talk about something you don’t understand, how will you find out about it?
Look for: Reassurance that they will look for information in appropriate spaces. They might attend workshops, seek professional development from Rainbow organisations, approach a mentor or do some reading. It is not appropriate for them to ask friends or family who are ‘Rainbow.’

Have you got access to anyone who can support you about trans issues, or issues relating to my sexuality?
This could be a follow up question to the previous question. It is okay for you to ask questions more than once to reassure yourself.

What will you do to maintain my confidentiality?
Look for: Reassurance your counsellor understands that some of the communities in Aotearoa New Zealand are small and that if they are from a Rainbow community themselves, there may be points of connection and they will have to manage that. What will they do if they see you out at an event? What will they do if you have mutual friends or acquaintances?

What is your understanding of homophobia, biphobia, transphobia etc?
Look for: Your counsellor’s understanding that these issues impact us, and what some of the things we face might be. ie: Do they understand how biphobia leads to people dismissing bi people’s experiences of sexual violence because they are expected to be ‘up for it’? Are they going to understand sex-on-site venues?  Do they understand trans women are often blamed for violence towards them?

Have you worked with other adult survivors of child sexual abuse?
Look for: Your counsellor having several years’ worth of demonstrated experience, and them being able to understand if you experienced abuse before you came out or transitioned, that does not invalidate your identity in any way.

Have you worked with adult survivors of adult sexual assault?
Look for: Your counsellor having several years’ worth of demonstrated experience.