For Families and Whānau | Support Kids to be Themselves
The Kids and Gender Toolbox is for parents who haven’t yet connected with the Rainbow world, so they can understand what is happening better, and be loving and supportive of their Rainbow children.
What does it mean if your son loves wearing a pink tutu? What if your daughter only wants to play with trucks? And what about if your child is sure the doctor got their gender wrong when they were born? These are tricky things to work through as a family, but you can make all the difference for your child by being there for them.
This Toolbox is a collaboration with Hohou Te Rongo Kahukura, White Ribbon and Rainbow Hub Waikato.
Rainbow Relationships
Most Rainbow relationships are based on love and mutual respect. People can be themselves, communicate what they want, negotiate and feel free to say no to things they don’t want to do. Everyone involved feels listened to when they speak.
But sometimes what’s happening in our relationships doesn’t feel alright. No relationship is perfect, but you should not feel unsafe or like you do not have a voice.
Partner violence is when one partner uses any form of abusive behavior to get and maintain control over the other. Ongoing humiliation, threats, stalking by text, online or in person, outing, ridiculing someone’s gender or sexuality, withholding medication or treatments, verbal abuse, controlling money and physical and sexual violence can all be part of partner violence.
People using abusive behaviour may not always recognise that’s what they are doing. That doesn’t mean it’s alright – abuse and control are never ok. Sometimes people need help to change their behavior.
Partner violence happens in Rainbow relationships, and for us it’s entwined with the homophobia, biphobia, gender policing and transphobia that we experience in the rest of the world.
In New Zealand, partner violence is illegal no matter what your sexuality, gender or the gender of your partner.
Watch Sandra talk about partner violence in Rainbow communities:
If you feel unsafe in your relationship, you can ask for help. If you are using abuse or violence in your relationship, it is possible to change your behaviour. We have safety planning tips for family, friends and people experiencing or causing harm in Rainbow relationships.
You can also read more about partner violence towards different members of the Rainbow community.
New Zealand Police used our research to develop a resource for Rainbow community members who may be experiencing partner violence.
Sex and consent
Most Rainbow sexual encounters and relationships are based on desire and mutual respect. People can give consent to be sexual freely. They understand what they are agreeing to, they want to engage in the sexual activity, and they can change their mind and stop any activity at any time.
But sometimes a sexual encounter will not feel alright, either at the time or afterwards.
Sexual violence can be perpetrated by, or against, anyone regardless of their age, gender, sexuality, ethnicity or ability. It can include rape, the threat of rape, attempted rape, sexual harassment, sexual coercion and sexual contact with force. It includes any sexual activity that someone does not, or cannot, consent to. Being coerced into sexual activity is not true consent.
If someone pressures you or makes you feel like you have no choice, that’s sexual coercion. If someone uses threats, intimidation, physical force or coercion to make you be sexual, that’s sexual violence.
Sexual violence happens to rainbow people, and it can be entwined with the homophobia, biphobia, gender policing and transphobia that we experience in the rest of the world.
We may experience sexual violence from partners or casual hook-ups. We also experience sexual violence from people targeting us because of our sexuality or gender identity.
Sexual activity without consent in New Zealand is illegal, no matter what your sexuality, gender or the sexuality or gender of the person who sexually harmed you.
Watch Sandra talk about consent in Rainbow communities here:
If you have had an unwanted sexual experience, you can ask for help, no matter how long ago it happened. If you are acting in a sexually inappropriate way towards someone who was not totally free to consent (or is not old enough to consent), you can seek help to change your harmful sexual behaviour.